allie_c

me- what is the strongest pain medication you have? im going insane, my ear hurts so much.
pharmacist- we have this under the counter stuff i can sell you. let me just call your doctor first.
me- ok
pharmacist- oh you poor girl. now i understand why you're in so much pain. this should last you about ten days.

ive taken the maximum dosage and my ear still hurts. i cant deal with this anymore. i want to punch holes in the wall im so mad. i want to yell, i want to break shit, i want to just get violent. i wonder if this is a normal reaction to intense pain.
im afraid ill get addicted to this pain medication. i want to just keep taking more and more of it with the hope that itll numb the pain. or at least make me feel like a zombie to the point where i just wont care how much i hurt. knee surgery was nothing compared to this. i'd let someone break both my arms and legs as a trade-off for making my ear stop hurting. it doesnt help that i have not slept in 50-something hours, save for like an hour last night.
also, i went and had my blood pressure checked like my doctor told me to, and it is still really low. and i just checked my pulse, 42.
i wonder how t would react if i just started yelling like a mad woman...

he called in sick, he has fever. i haven't skipped once this entire time. i left class early twice, but i've been going.

this is the diagnosis. i need surgery on my ear. i burned my hand getting tea at school. my head feels like it is about to explode, and it feels like someone is slowly and constantly pouring boiling water down my ear. i am in so much pain i can hardly believe it. ive taken nine advils (three more than the recommended maximum dosage) and it did nothing, as far as i could tell. i broke down a few minutes ago and cried because i couldnt handle the pain anymore. im usually so tough but i guess i have my limits. i dont know how long it will be before i can get surgery, i dont know how long i can put up with this. i cant sleep it hurts so much, its worse when i lie down anyhow. but when im sitting i get dizzy from the hypotension. i just cant win. t is sick too and while i understand he isnt as used to being sick as i am, he's acting a little childish. he was all mopey and rude earlier. im sorry he's sick but he needs to realize that as sick as i have been over the past two months i didnt take it out on him, not even once. so he's sick for less than 24hrs and does it to me? im just hiding in the office, i dont want to be around him. he has fever, slightly around 100. big deal.
well, well... he just came in to apologize for being poopy. "i realize youre a heck of a lot more sick than i am. i just have fever. im sorry i acted the way i did. im going to bed, wake me up if you have another crippling headache. i dont care that im sick. let me know if you need anything." i know for a fact i wont take him up on his offer, he knows it too. i never like letting people take care of me when im sick. the only time i let people do stuff for myself is when i am completely incapable of doing it for myself. like when my asthma gets so bad i can hardly move, or when i had a full leg cast and couldnt get oout of bed.
im going to drink sleepytime tea now and try to get some sleep. im spending the night on the couch in the office. it is really comfy and i like sleeping here for some reason. its nice sleeping in bed with t but with having insomnia sometimes i just like it more here. besides its not like sleeping is going to happen. i should say, too, that im not allowed to drink tea because of my hypotension. but i couldnt care less right now. i need it, ill deal with being more dizzy (im supposed to drink insane amounts of water to bring my blood pressure back up and tea will make me pee more which will make me get more dehydrated which will lower my pressure, which will make me more dizzy).
seriously, i dont know how much more of this i can take. i keep reminding myself of how strong e was when he was dying of leukemia. i have to try hard to be more like him. im not dying, i need to be tough. just not tonight.

i have had a headache all day and taking six advils has not taken care of the pain whatsoever. still, ive worked through the pain. i cleaned the kitchen, cabinet doors included. i swept and mopped the floors in the entire apartment, except the bedroom. lastly i cooked mexican rice and granola/pear bars. i am really happy with the bar since i didnt use a recipe and they came out wonderful.
tomorrow i have a presentation to do in my theory of geography seminar. im working on this article "geography and the public policy: the case of the missing agenda" by ron martin. i dont really like it, the guy seems to throw out ideas without backing them up or telling us what to do with the ideas. its nice to tell us what we ought to do for 20 pages but perhaps he should give us starting points as to where we should start or how we can start. i wont get into this though because im too tired.
i am going to go drink vanilla tea and watch my big fat obnoxious boss now. i know it is sad but i am hooked on that show, bad as it is. i have been watching way too much tv since i got sick.

sick weeks to the day since i started feeling sick. i was feeling better this past week but i have taken a turn for the worst today. i can hardly sit without feeling like i might faint. i can hardly read as it makes me feel even worse. if only i felt better when i lie down and close my eyes, but no such luck.
earlier today i thought i might go crazy if i didnt go outside. i asked tom to take me to the pharmacy so i could get some advil for this headache and earache. i could have let him get them for me, but i needed to be outside. i also wanted to buy some foundation so i dont look too much like a zombie. its one thing for people to know i am really sick, but its another for them to think i look half dead already. i didnt tell him but the entire time i felt i was about to faint. still, i asked to go to the asian supermarket so we could get some fake meat.
i am really worried i may not get all my work done by christmas break. i still have a 10 page paper, two 30 page papers, and a presentation to do. i also have sixty 1000 word essays coming up that i will have to grade. i do not look forward to this at all.
i had a breakdown today and i just could not stop crying. i dont think i can get this work done, at all. it would not be a problem if i weren't so sick. i am going to meet with my supervisor early next week and ask her what my options are. maybe i can get 'incompletes' or a leave of absence. i just cant let this virus ruin my grades and future. i have to maintain an A average and this is not going to happen without some extensions. i guess all i can do this weekend though is work as much as i can, which isnt much at all, and wait until i see her.
on the brighter side of things i managed to cook a little yesterday. i made vegan alfredo sauce with tons of broccoli/mushrooms and fake ham slices. it is really really good. also, as far as good things go, i bought some christmas presents online, so this is one less thing to worry about. lastly i found a programme for international internships. there is this one internship at the UNDP in rome that i am really hoping to get. im applying to internships in bonn, beijing, and kenya as well. any of these would make me quite happy. they are for 3 months and pay $3000.
i need to get back to bed now. i am exhausted from typing this entry. this is how weak i am these days. pathetic.

my old journal was filled with negative thoughts and i have deleted it. i am hoping this new journal will be different.

i felt dizzy again today, will this ever end? i have essays to write, grant applications to put together. i am doing all i can in order to get healthy again and nothing seems to help. i miss being cheery and motivated, i miss being able to go for a walk or to cook a meal. mostly i miss being able to spend time with tom and do things together. i am tied to this couch, living in my jammies and hiding under this blanket. i want to see the sun, feel the wind against my skin. i feel as if though my life has been put on hold until i stop being so ill. why is it that my doctor cannot figure out what is wrong with me? i keep putting on a brave face, telling everyone i don't feel so sick, and that this is not big deal. i am so worried. this is not normal and it is not going away.

i did say this was going to be a more positive journal. this is a bad start.